Untethering A Single Mother's Reckoning With Love, Expectation, and Self

Being a mother has taught me so much about unconditional love, how to trust my gut, how to be selfless, having profound patience, being present, and how to carry loads that seemed impossible, especially as a single mother. In this moment I find myself learning something different. I’m learning a new lesson, it’s quiete

r and harder to grasp, which is, how to let go of the tether I created between me and my child. A tether I created based on what I need in a parent as a child, instead of parenting the individual I have.

The truth is the relationship I believed we had doesn’t exist in the way I thought it

did. What I built in my mind was so different than the reality that was before me. When I came to this truth, it wasn't a total shocker. Unfortunately, it felt familiar...unmistakable even. This was the part that bothered me the most. I've seen this before. Throughout my life I have prioritized others in my relationships, not just romantically but with family as well. I've done this enough to see the patterns, and now I see that I’ve built the same pattern with my son. My hard and necessary truth is, I created this dynamic. I had to take responsibility for the relationship I fostered and nurtured and formed in a manner that I’m not too pleased with. This is where accountability quietly enters the room sits and stares at you; not as blame but as awareness.

I started to feel a bit of strain in our relationship last year when he turned thirteen, but I had my epiphany moment in the most miniscule, unsuspecting way, his spring break. He went to visit his dad for nine days and he never called, not once. He texted me a few times, but he didn't call and say hello, see how I was doing or what I was doing. The last time we had spoken is when he hugged me and said goodbye. The next time we verbally spoke he was walking back through the door. This was not the thoughtful, considerate, young man that I knew I was raising. This was a teenager only having concern for what was directly in front of him.

Now I get it, teenage boys, growing pains, and whatnot, but there was something else there just beneath the surface that I hadn’t noticed until that point. He was showing me who he was, not who I wanted him to be. The safe, secure relationship I had built was more for me than him. To me, the tether I built between my son and I wasn’t obvious, and it didn’t look unhealthy from the outside. I was doing what a responsible parent should do in every way possible. It looked like love. It felt like love, and it was, it was the type of love and care that I always wanted but was never given.

When this realization hit, I really sat with it, I saw it clearly. I have been consistently prioritizing his feelings and emotions over my own. In the way I respond, in the way I show up, in the way I make space for him while shrinking space for myself. I’ve been so focused on making sure he felt supported, understood, and cared for because that is how a parent is supposed to love, that I’ve neglected to ask myself what I needed in the process. Over time, that became our dynamic. I became the parent to him that I needed as a child and not the parent he needed.

I wanted to give him everything I felt I was missing growing up. A present parent. The guidance, advice, and the emotional safety. Yes, we are to provide these things as a parent, but I over provided and overextended to the point of being called a helicopter parent, which I dismissed immediately. I’d been telling myself: He needs me to always be there. He needs me to help him navigate life. He needs me to be the kind of mother I didn’t have and somewhere along the way, I stopped questioning that role and fully leaned into what I thought my responsibility was.

The hardest part hasn’t been who my son is, but it’s been realizing that the relationship

doesn’t function the way I imagined it did. I expected the closeness to feel mutual.

I expected the emotional connection to be consistent. I was hoping and expecting, that love I gave so selflessly would return in the way I need it. I now realize those expectations were mine and not his responsibility to fulfill.

Saying “I’m part of the problem” has been heavy but also freeing, because it means I’m not stuck. It’s pushed me to ask myself harder questions: Where have I been overextending myself? Why have I ignored my own needs? Why do I prioritize others over myself? Mind you, this isn't about beating myself up, it’s about being honest enough to recognize I need to change. I need to let go of the tether.

Letting go of the tether hasn’t been dramatic. It’s been subtle, intentional, hard and honestly sometimes it feels like I’m letting him down. He is now seeing a version of me and I’m seeing a version of me that didn't exist. Our reality now looks like me checking in with my feelings instead of automatically considering his first. I am now creating space in my life that isn’t centered around motherhood. I’m prioritizing me. There are moments where I grieve the relationship I thought we had and the version of myself who felt needed in that way, but what I am starting to discover is I’m who I am on the other side of this. What I like and dislike. What I need, what I feel without filtering it through someone else first. I’m realizing that I’m more than just a mother who gives and gives and gives. I’m a person who deserves to exist fully, too.

What I’m beginning to understand is that letting go doesn’t mean losing my son. It means releasing the pressure I put on the relationship. In doing that, I’m starting to experience something different between us, something that feels more real and more joyous. It’s less about obligation and expectation and more about what actually is. The relationship I built may not exist the way I thought it did, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a relationship there. It just means I’m learning to meet it as it truly is not as I imagined it would be. In this process, I’m not just redefining my connection with my son…I’m finally building a relationship with myself.